a beating heart.

New years day I took my first run of the year

My running road is pretty desolate… I see more animals than I do cars

With my headphones in. Volume up as loud as it could get

My mind was off somewhere else that day

I got to my turning point and normally I glance back before turning into the road, for some reason that day…. I didn’t.

9 times out of 10 there is not a car zooming by…. 9 times out of 10.

Well, this was the one time that there actually was a car….

A huge ford truck to be exact

Obviously, because I’m sitting here with all my limbs and heart still beating…I stopped before it ran over me.

It’s funny how slow it all seemed to happen. I can remember seeing the driver’s eyes looking at me…and trust me, they were not driving slow.

 

A split second. That’s all that separated me from living to death.

 

“Whoa…That was close.” I actually said that out loud after the truck passed.

 

I started to really think about my life as I continued down the road…

What if that truck would have hit me.

What if I didn’t survive the impact.

How did I leave the world.

Have I made any difference.

God, am I any good to you?

 

His answer came in a strong breeze… “Yes. You are. Why do you think I saved you?”

 

Living this life for myself is a cold, lonely, disappointing life. I think everyone gets caught in that trap at some point. Even if your intentions are good.

 

So how do you get out of that trap? Remove it from yourself, and walk away.

 

Hopefully you will walk away with all your limbs and a beating heart.

soul shaper

My heart is laid
Under Your blade
As you carve out Your image in me
You cut to the core
But still you want more
As you carefully, tenderly ravage me

And You peel back the bark
And tear me apart
To get to the heart
Of what matters most
I’m cold and I’m scared
As your love lays me bare
But in the shaping of my soul
The cut makes me whole

Mingling here
Your blood and my tears
As You whittle my kingdom away
But I see that you suffer, too
In making me new
For the blade of Love, it cuts both ways

Hidden inside the grain
Beneath the pride and pain
Is the shape of the man
You meant me to be
Who with every cut now you try to set free

Come now set me free

…With everyday
You strip more away
And You peel back the bark
And tear me apart
To get to the heart
Of what matters most
I’m cold and I’m scared
As your love lays me bare
But in the shaping of my soul
The blade must take it’s toll
So God give me strength to know
That the cut makes me whole

Worth it

Ever watch extreme home makeover? You know when they say “Move that bus” and the family freaks out. Then they walk inside and see their rooms. They completely lose it & cry their eyes out.

 I mean…seriously? Get a hold of yourself. Is it really necessary you to cry like that? It seemed fake to me. No one really cries like that in real life.

 As it turns out…people do. and I am one of those people. Never thought I would be. I mean, uncontrollably crying. Overcome with joyful emotion. Speechless. Nothing leaves me speechless. Trust me. I could make conversation with a brick wall.

 

Something did leave me speechless. An act of genuine kindess. If you didn’t know the whole story but just knew the act you might say “Oh that’s so sweet.”

Yes it is sweet, but I would not have cried uncontrollably to the point where I couldn’t say a word over…sweet.

 Seven months ago I was guarded. extremely guarded. Guarded because of some wounds. A broken friendship. More than that, really. To me it was a shattered friendship. One that seemed so strong for a few months and then abruptly torn into shreds. I was done. Done with friends. Didn’t need them. Thought I was better off without. Hurt turned into anger. Anger turned into indifference. Indifference turned into forgiveness. Forgiveness turned into healing. Eventually I was, for the most, over it. But still guarded. Still cautious. Still fearful.

 

Ironically enough, the same place I met that friend who made me so guarded was the same place I met the one who would introduce me to ten of my very best friends now.

 

One of those friends, being Stephanie. The first night I met her I found out that she was Kelly Moore’s assistant. I realize that you may not know who Kelly Moore is. I had been following Kelly’s photography work for years. Admired it for years. Studied it for years. She was very much like a celebrity to me. I could not believe that THE Kelly Moore’s assistant was in the same room as me. Lame, I know. But if you’re in the photography business, you more than likely know who Kelly Moore is & would not think it was lame.

 

The first night of meeting Steph and the rest of the group my guards were definitely up. But stood no chance against their love, kindness & acceptance.I never even knew friendship like this exsisted. To make a long story, well..no as long, I fell in love with these people. We all became very close. They encouraged me to follow my passions. Because of them, I am finally quitting a job that I was too fearful to leave. And have been at for five years.

 

Fear stole the past five years & they gave it back.

Ok, back to the act of kindness. Kelly Moore designes beautiful bags for photographers(really for anyone, but they have inserts for lens/camera/laptop)

She does these bag giveaways every month. & every month I would try to come with something creative to win and never did. One thing you should know, Kelly has almost 13,000 followers on twitter & even more on facebook. I say that to say, pretty much all her followers are very creative. Way more creative than me. So I never won a bag. But still determined, I always tried. & was going to keep trying until I owned a Kelly Moore bag.

 

One night, me & Steph went on a goodwill shopping date. She has an amazing eye. She is always finding these awesome vintage goodies. I love going with her. She was telling me about an estate sell she went to that morning and was going to show me all the stuff she got there when we went back to her place. We shopped and ate. I told her that I had the strangest dream that I got a Kelly Moore bag for Christmas. How shocked and excited I was to get one. We laughed about it.

 

Finally we headed back to her house. She said “Hey, all my stuff is in the trunk of my car. Let me show you what I found.” Like I said, she finds amazing stuff. and that morning was no exception. I ooh’d over her vintage finds. and then she said “Oh and well.. I got you something.” I thought she found it at the estate sell. So I just assumed it was something funny. She said “It’s in this box right here. You can go ahead and open it.” I laughed and said “Oh Steph what did you ge…” when I lifted up the lid I saw a white Kelly Moore bag (what the bags comes in)

 

Me: What….What is that?????

 

Steph: It’s yours.

 

Me: No. No…. it’s not. I can’t.

 

& then it happened. I started crying like people do when they see their new house for the first time. I understood now. I understood why those tears came. Why no words can come out. Because for those 20 to 30 seconds, my life for the past year flashed before my eyes. All of that hurt. That pain. Those scars. Those guards. My precious friends. My new found courage to quit my job and follow my passion. & then this.

 

As tears continued to pour out. Stephanie said

 

“I just wanted to give you this. I am so encouraged by your story. I am so proud of you for following what Christ has called you to do. & I know He’s going to do great things with you.”

 

You see, this bag is not just a bag. It is a symbol of where God has picked me up from my darkness & carried me to beautiful light. It is a symbol of Christ saying to me “Look. Wasn’t this worth it?”  Oh it was. It was so worth it.

 

You want a Kelly Moore bag? Go here – KellyMooreBag.com

(Mine is the Kelly Boy in mustard)

 

Read about Stephanie from Kelly’s blog – http://kellymoorebag.com/blog/?p=8552

don’t challenge a lion

kelli: katie… you haven’t said anything all night. what comes to your mind when you think of change?

me: ….failure.

you could tell that was not the answer anyone was thinking of. but it’s the only one I had in my mind.

I’m not really a crier. I hate crying. it’s the worst. since normally, i can contain my emotion pretty well, when I can’t…the floodgates open. when I finally allow myself to cry, i can’t stop. or breathe. or talk. it’s not good.

so when the word failure actually came out of my mouth, i knew crying was about to follow. but I tried my hardest to keep it in. but that word needed an explanation.

so i said….. “Ever just feel like….you aren’t enough. and you’ll never be enough.”

well that did it.

“I’m not enough. I’m going to fail.” I said this shortly after..although i’m sure no one could understand me because I said those things in my crying voice.

My sweet friend next to me on the couch just grabbed my hand & held onto it as I tried to get words out. words did come out. most of them being the same ones.

“I feel like I’m not enough. I’m so scared to try because I know I will fail. I don’t understand why I feel this weight on me, but I do. It’s heavy & dark. & I don’t know what to do. I am not enough.”

After that, Kelli stopped & said… “Let’s pray for you. right now.”

So they stopped in the middle of our study to pray… for me.

if that is not family, I don’t know what is. They didn’t ask me questions. They didn’t have to understand why I felt the way I did. They just listened. Comforted. & prayed.

so many changes are happening and have yet to happen in my life. changes I’ve waited and longed for. & they are finally in reach. I can see a light at the end of this tunnel and it is so bright. There is such joy in this change that satan is trying his best to take it from me. flooding my mind with ideas of failure. fear. cowardness.

that night I had a dream that I was in the passenger seat while my friend was driving. we came into a driveway, and at the end, on top of these two pillars was a lion. This lion had a leash around it, but the leash was not connected to anything. He laid there with no concern on his face whatsoever. Because, well..what is he concerned about – He’s a lion. My friend drove closer, and I looked up & directly into his eyes. He looked back at me with this bold confidence in his eyes. I just stared in amazement that I was this close to a lion.

Proverbs 28:1 – The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions.

Why am I running when nothing is chasing me?

I am a lion.

I am a child of the living God.

Who around me can challenge that?

Who can I not look in the eyes with bold confidence?

I am a lion.

I was born into the family of God

with that birth came courage. fearlessness. strength.

I am a lion.

Who challenges a lion & survies?

I am a lion.

open up your eyes

It is your worst nightmare coming true.

The doctor tells you…”We were afraid it was cancer. It, in fact is.”

Stage 4.

The cancer is now set in your bones.

Killing your entire body.

He tells you… “It could be days, months, years. We don’t know.”

So you wait for death.

Months go by and the pain is unbearable.

You go back to the doctor over and over.

He gives you pain killers.

But it doesn’t kill the pain.

It only numbs it.

That pain never subsides.

This sickness is now a constant.

It has taken over you.

Consumed you.

“take this. it will help with the pain”

 “do this. it will make you feel better”

none of it works.

this cancer will not go away.

nothing can fix it.

it’s killing you.

What if – someone walked up to you with a syringe and said

 “In this, is the cure to your disease.”

Would you choose:

A. The numbing pain killers.

B. The cure.

Who would be stupid enough to keep taking numbing pain killers when the cure is right in front of them?

That’s a good question.

Our sickness = our sin

Our Cure = Christ

we are half-hearted creatures…

“Do you feel more loved by God because He makes much of you?

Or do you feel more loved by God because He enables you to make much of Him?”

 John Piper asked this question to over 50,000 twenty something’s inAtlanta,Georgia at Passion 2011.

 

we so easily forget that the enemy is the king of lies.

this enemy that we are all up against is perfectly alright with you getting doses of Christ.

because with only doses of Christ there is more room for self.

 

“self, no matter how glorious – can never satisfy a heart made for God”

 

John Piper made that statement in the lat four minutes of his sermon.

 

It is very simple.

 

YOU being the source of your joy will never satisfy your heart. It will not bear the weight of glory. Only one thing can bear that weight, and that is God.

 

When He is at the foundation of everything I do, the burden is lifted from me.

My chains are broken. & I am free.

 

Jesus speaks that the truth will set us free.

The truth is that, only God can satisfy our hearts.

Tuning out the lies from the enemy that say otherwise.

 

Finding my joy in Christ + making much of Him = freedom.

 

 We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
— C.S. Lewis

war & light

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOEU3xt29Lk

Do you know there is a war happening for your soul.

right now.

There is a battle.

The gauntlet has been thrown down.

The line has been drawn in the sand.

this moment.

The enemy has called for you.

It is your heart, mind & soul he wants.

he has sent out his army.

he has come to take captive over your soul.

he has pointed you out

& said to his army

“That one. That is the one I want.”

his army – ready.suited.armed.

in pursuit of you.

ready for the battle.

suited to deceive.

armed to kill you.

seek & destroy is their one and only mission.

before you know what’s happening,

his stealthy army, surrounds you.

walking circles around you.

taunting you.

you fall to your knees.

you are down.

the enemy takes advantage,

his army goes in for the kill.

just as the dark ones take their first step towards you

 

a loud trumpet sounds in the distance

terrified, they look up over the hill

& see…

Him. on his horse.

His vast army behind Him

The Savior. Messiah. Jesus.

His Light overpowers the dark ones.

they scamper away in fear.

Shrieking as they run like the cowards they are.

He rides down on his white horse.

the enemy moves in front of you.

he’s worked too hard .

he’s put too many years into you.

he’s broken you down too many times to give up now.

he will not give up without a fight.

 

The Messiah rides up to where the enemy stands.

Dismounts off His horse.

the enemy speaks to him

“this one is mine.”

 

Jesus looks at you,

tears consuming your face.

He speaks “Move, satan.”

 

the enemy shouts  back

“mine. her soul is mine.”

 

The Messiah, now angered, replies:

 

“Her soul belongs to Me. I called her name long before you knew her. I died for her. You cannot have this one. She is mine. Not this one, satan. She belongs to me. Move”

 

With one blow, the enemy is defeated.

dead.

gone.

obliterated.

destroyed.

 

The Messiah walks over to you, the one he saved from the hands of the enemy,

gets you up from your knees

looks into your tear-filled eyes & says

 

“You are my daughter. You are an heir to the kingdom of heaven. You, my child, are mine. The victory is won.”

Do you know the battle that is in existence.

this very moment.

Do you feel it.

Do you feel the pull.

Do you feel the tug of the enemy’s hand on yours.

Do you know, the One Who saved you

is there very one Who put the light in you.

Do you need proof of that light in you.

Look around at the enemy surrounding you

without that light, they wouldn’t want you

wouldn’t call your name

wouldn’t pursue you 

they are afraid of your light

use it.

even when they’ve taunted you down to your knees

all you have to do is, shine

shine the light that the Messiah put in you

the Creator of this universe, pointed you out

& said her. she is mine.

He called your name before anyone else did.

that is the only light that will pierce any & every. darkness.

i am a fragile clay jar

I was talking to someone the other day about how I will be teaching a class at church for the 4^th & 5^th graders once school starts back.

 Her response to me was… “You have just the right amount of cool for that.”

 Me…. Cool? I must be a good actress.

 I have never thought of myself as cool. I wanted others to perceive me in that way, so I put on the front.

 But cool would never be a word I would use to describe myself. Or would it be a word I would think other people would use to describe me.

 All of this going on in my head, minutes after she told me this.

 Only for me to realize how caught up in MYSELF I was at that moment.

 

That all changed when I taught my first lesson the following Sunday.

 When I first walked in, it was just fun time.

We laughed and talked about what all 4^th & 5^th graders want to talk about…their animals.

 I started the lesson on forgiveness.

As I stood there talking about this concept of forgivness,

I looked out & saw all these big, sweet, innocent eyes looking up at me.

Not just staring at me waiting for me to shutup

But listening. Soaking in every word that came out of my mouth.

Not only just listening but hands began to rise with questions.

Asking how they need to forgive.

 

At that moment, it all changed.

 

This.is.not.about.me.

 

This is about these sweet children staring up at me.

This is about their souls.

Their lives.

This is about showing these children the grace of the living God.

This is about me pouring all of myself into them.

 

Emptying myself for Christ’s namesake.

I am His vessel to be poured out.

I am His instrument in fulfilling the kingdomofHeaven.

 

What a gift.

 

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7

 

because it is

Ever been around one of those kids that ask “why” after everything?

 We are going to the pool!

 Why?

 Because it’s hot. & the pool is fun.

 Why?

 Well, because it’s July. & it’s fun to swim.

 Why?

 Because…well. Because it is.

 Sometimes…. A lot of times…. I feel like that child.

 Why?

Why do people suffer

Why do women lose babies before they are born

Why do tragic things happen to godly people

Why do people who abuse children live

On that point, why are children abused in the first place

What exactly is the point to these things happening?

 God wired me in such a way that I feel there is an explanation for everything.

There has to be. It’s called logic, folks!

 This was wired in me as a gift. But way too often, I do not use in that way.

It is a gift in that, I can figure things out.

I can understand things.

Understand people.

There is a why behind everything – once I get the answer to that why…I begin to understand.

This was one of the reasons why I was not the best student.

 

 Do your homework.

Why?

Cause it’s good for you.

Why is it good for me?

 

 See my point?

I like for things to be explained to me.

I like explaining things to other people

in such a way, that it is perfectly clear to them.

So clear, that they don’t even have to ask why

because I’m already explaining the why.

 

I break things down.

I have to do this, in order for me to get it.

 

The problem with me trying to break things down is = lack of trust

 

I, a fallen human being, cannot break down the why of God.

 

This is where trust must come in.

This is where my logic must die.

 I must sever the roots of myself.

Sever the roots of my selfishness.

Sever the roots of my faithlessness.

Sever the roots of my pride.

Sever the roots of my thinking.

Sever the roots of my whole sinful being.

 

In order for a new seed to take root in me,

the old roots must be severed.

 

His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

 Jesus said “Neither this man nor his parents sinned. But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in Him.”  John 9:2&3

 

That is my explanation. That is all that I need.

 

Why?

 My child, this happened so the works of God could be displayed.

This is for My Glory.

My ways are higher than your ways.

My thoughts higher than your thoughts.

I know what suffering feels like.

Remember the blood shed for you.

Take my hand.

Trust me.

 

My response is and will always be…

 “Yes, Rabbi. I will follow you to the ends of this earth. Worthy is the Lamb.”

hopes order

Romans 5:3-5

….but we also take glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

after suffering we expect immediate hope.

& when that hope does not instantly filll us -

we turn to despair.

misery.

fear.

worry.

hopelessness.

 

we tend to forget the order in which hope happens.

 

you see, it is suffering first.

endure.

 

after we suffer, we must persevere.

not turn to despair.

or worry.

or fear.

but we must persevere.

we must go on.

we must fight.

 

because after perseverance

comes character.

a character in us that only came through that suffering.

a character that would not have been, if we did not persevere.

 

after this…. hope.

Hope comes.

a hope that does not put us to shame.

but a hope that fills.

nourishes.

strengthens.

awakens.

redeems.

 

1.suffer

2.persevere

3.character

4.hope