don’t challenge a lion

kelli: katie… you haven’t said anything all night. what comes to your mind when you think of change?

me: ….failure.

you could tell that was not the answer anyone was thinking of. but it’s the only one I had in my mind.

I’m not really a crier. I hate crying. it’s the worst. since normally, i can contain my emotion pretty well, when I can’t…the floodgates open. when I finally allow myself to cry, i can’t stop. or breathe. or talk. it’s not good.

so when the word failure actually came out of my mouth, i knew crying was about to follow. but I tried my hardest to keep it in. but that word needed an explanation.

so i said….. “Ever just feel like….you aren’t enough. and you’ll never be enough.”

well that did it.

“I’m not enough. I’m going to fail.” I said this shortly after..although i’m sure no one could understand me because I said those things in my crying voice.

My sweet friend next to me on the couch just grabbed my hand & held onto it as I tried to get words out. words did come out. most of them being the same ones.

“I feel like I’m not enough. I’m so scared to try because I know I will fail. I don’t understand why I feel this weight on me, but I do. It’s heavy & dark. & I don’t know what to do. I am not enough.”

After that, Kelli stopped & said… “Let’s pray for you. right now.”

So they stopped in the middle of our study to pray… for me.

if that is not family, I don’t know what is. They didn’t ask me questions. They didn’t have to understand why I felt the way I did. They just listened. Comforted. & prayed.

so many changes are happening and have yet to happen in my life. changes I’ve waited and longed for. & they are finally in reach. I can see a light at the end of this tunnel and it is so bright. There is such joy in this change that satan is trying his best to take it from me. flooding my mind with ideas of failure. fear. cowardness.

that night I had a dream that I was in the passenger seat while my friend was driving. we came into a driveway, and at the end, on top of these two pillars was a lion. This lion had a leash around it, but the leash was not connected to anything. He laid there with no concern on his face whatsoever. Because, well..what is he concerned about – He’s a lion. My friend drove closer, and I looked up & directly into his eyes. He looked back at me with this bold confidence in his eyes. I just stared in amazement that I was this close to a lion.

Proverbs 28:1 – The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions.

Why am I running when nothing is chasing me?

I am a lion.

I am a child of the living God.

Who around me can challenge that?

Who can I not look in the eyes with bold confidence?

I am a lion.

I was born into the family of God

with that birth came courage. fearlessness. strength.

I am a lion.

Who challenges a lion & survies?

I am a lion.